what it feels like having a vandalised heart

Love. Is that what I crave?

If it is, then why can't I find it?
Hate. Does that mean anger?
If it does, then why do I feel hollow?
Pain. Does that mean suffering?
If it does, then why does it feel comforting?
Memories. Are they not images of the past?
If they are, why is there only shadows?
Smiles. Does that mean happiness?
If it does, then why does it hurt?
Life. What does it mean?
Should it mean any of these things?
If it doesn't, then why are they there?